A trip in the Tardis

This is not a post about today.

This is a happy tale of times gone by a time when I was younger and absolutely no wiser than I am now.

I take you back to May 2000 it's new millennium and the new spring morning is ideal. A lovely if chilly bright morning ideally suited to simply pottering in the garden or even completing MSc essays which were approaching "overdue" with a purposeful air.

But no none of those were for me, forgoing these pleasures, quietly, so as not to wake the dawn chorus I was piloting a large van up the drive at Penole on M4 bent.

But what was the great appeal, what cosmic event was drawing me inevitably away.

Well, dear reader we had been chosen over all others; privileged to receive that paragon: Serenity my step daughter not to mention her boyfriend the Industrious and Diligent Lively and Enterprising Great Intellectual Thinker possible father of her soon to be multiple progeny.

As you can imagine that title was a bit of a mouthful and so we had developed a simple acronym to which we used instead.

Still the day was starting well. I was equipped with one of Mr Fords larger Transit Vans which had quite an impressive turn of speed and a very loud stereo. So, complete with the sort of tapes that normally have her "turn that din down"ing I set the stereo at apoplexy and set off at an indecent pace .

Pre the tax camera era indecent it could be as well. Far too shortly I had covered the 120 miles to the house of the rising GITs. Chez Serenity was actually the abode of GIT, his mum and brothers.

Of course this was not their original home, this was one to which they had recently moved from another where Gits brother, a master of enterprise had some sort of business purveying chemicals. Now he was not alone in this trade and some of the other deale errrhh purveyors had popped round to show him the warmth of their love and give him presents. Warm was their love too, cocktails a la Molotov rained through the windows and heated the house very effectively.

Faced such a display of an affection so pure and genuine; the family decided it might be a good idea to move, well when the fire brigade had finished damping down they did anyway.

The new house was significantly smaller than the old and well, bearing in mind the general atmosphere Serenity and git decided it was the country life for them.

Let the loading commence, well actually no. Taking in the nature of all their wordily goods I suggested that maybe a trip to the council tip might save a deal of diesel burnt moving things across wales. I got a feeling that somehow I was not making a friend of Serenity.

Having just loaded a three piece suite, dressing table, three bed bases and mattresses into the van. Serenity reminded me that there was a small wardrobe and a "few" boxes remaining. Getting these to the van proved to be a slight problem as neither Serenity Git nor his brothers had so far overindulged in the indignity of labour, seeming locked in social intercourse with a stream of visitors who would arrive in a furtive manner leaving in an equally secretive style shortly afterwards emitting an oddly familiar smell that reminded me the coils of rope you used to see in chandlers.

There I was looking at a van well packed when I thought a cloud had passed across the face of the sun. It was no cloud it was a monster wardrobe. Followed shortly after by an equally proportioned chest of drawers.

A period of head scratching struggling and profanity saw the van fully loaded and ready to go.

Now I am a big follower of multi cultural tolerance so when the wail started i thought it simply indicated the immediate proximity of a mosque where the faithful were being summoned to prayer.

The source of the noise turned to be entirely secular, Serenity. The cause of her distress being the need to "leave so much behind". I was puzzled at this, the van was loaded I said, but no. .Thoughtful Serenity had known I love a challenge and saved a special surprise, an extra 15 boxes the odd 24 inch telly a selection of bulky but cuddly baby toys and of course the baby's cot which no one had thought necessary to dismantle prior to transport.

I assured the serene that there was a really simple solution to this problem. We would simply remove the now inaccessible wardrobe pack the stuff in there then put it back in the van .

Further wailing, the the arrival even more boxes and Serenity was proximate to hysteria. This van was no good, the van required was the far larger luton model. I explained the budget provided by her father, Serenity of course being above such matters of commerce, would cover the use of this van and the fuel for one trip. Though I confess I was beginning to suspect that her father might think that whatever it cost to get Serenity 120 miles away from him might be money well spent

Picking up on her distress, I said I was not enjoying my day either, I promised would take no offence at all should Serenity want me to completely unload the van and return empty to West Wales. this would offer her the huge advantage of making her own arrangements which would I had no doubt be far vastly superior to anything I could offer. If pushed I will confess those might not have been my exact words but it's what I meant to say.

Serenity, of course knows all about New Labour, and so taking Tony Blairs model she launched an extensive "consultation". Change was procured and she went off to the phone box consult her father mother and step mum. Unfortunately, technology is not always as good as we hope and all three for some reason had their phones very firmly switched off.

When I managed to get her calm, well OK calmer, I worked out the root of the problem was her infant son.

that leaving Now the day before I had raised a small matter, that the cab has three seats and that with myself git serenity and enfant there would be four. I could understand that Serenity simply abandoning a baby might not be considered too well by Social services and that if she left GIT there he might not ever make his own way to West Wales (ohhhh for hindsight) and I was fearful leaving Serenity behind might leave us holding the baby for a long time.

Being a foster carer I am good at solutions, so I suggested I take Serenity Git and gear. Drop them off then return in my car for the baby!!!

Simple, or so it seemed to me anyway.

I must say that I had actually raised this the day previously. I was reassured that "on the day" huge amounts of assistance was expected, and that our progress to west wales would be at the head of a convoy of GIT's extended family .

It should add that at this time Dads financial contribution had not been fully clarified there had been lots of talk of petrol money.

Tragically, and very shortly after dad's announcement that his contribution would be the cost of hire of one van and the fuel to go in it, everyone in Gits extended family fell ill and had to drop out.

Still these things happen.

With nothing better to do and Serenity engaged in multiple attempts of consultation Gits mum emptied the van and engaged in the mundane task of completely repacking everything.

This wasn't as simple to do as write and the best part of an hour had passed with serenity passing back and forward to the phone box alternating between hysteria and rage.

I was in the van on top of the wardrobe, seeing if i could wedge small items in the odd nooks and crannies left round the double mattress which had itself been compressed between the three piece suite other items and the roof. What more it was getting warm in there, even better some of that stuff was emitting pretty dubious aromas when you compressed it into place.

I mention this just to convey the milieu. I was clearly in need of advice so Serenity arrived and gave it me. I was doing a very poor job of loading this van. It was a Pauline moment, and one that I wasted not a moment in acting on. jumping out the back of the van I dropped to the floor and congratulated her on her insight and intelligence.

I proposed that such a talent was wasted, why didn't Git and her come and sweat and strain loading the van and I would go and dink tea and wail which seemed to be the sum of what she had done so far.

I would be lying if I said this idea was well received, Serenity did not think this a good idea at all, GIT well, we will never know what (if anything) he thought he was very conspicuous mainly by his total absence.

There is of course a limit to fun. And eventually by compressing them against the back of the load with the doors we got the two single mattresses into the van.

This was a natural time to remember one last large box containing nothing more important than all their crockery.

Fortunately this was not so large that it would not fit in the foot well if Git had his legs round his ears for the whole trip.

Adjusting the stereo to drown the moaning and whining, I went again and soon I was back at HQ and the van could be unpacked.

Unfortunately I had to go and do child based things so GIT and Serenity had to unload the van themselves. They had got it all the way to the floor behind the van by the time I got back.

So braving the horrified looks I simply got in the van and drove off leaving their world in a heap.

Things got even worse when I got back and immediately drove off again in our aged Cavalier to get their baby.

Another unfeasible blast up the M4 fit the car seat and back to base.

Well no not quite. Half way home and the mobile phone burst into life. Management wanted to know who the bloody hell Vicky was. with a strong suggestion that this was some winsome young wench, previously unknown to the management who had developed a significant desire for my body and was refusing to tell Jamie, my other step child why she wished to speak to me.

The truth was revealed when the land lady returned our local pub. Apparently there had been people in looking for our house. They had ingratiated themselves to the barmaid by calling her thick, then the locals by friendly phrases "like giz a fag mister" .

There was apparently a small willing local posse who were wanted to come up the house and assist the MD by performing some impromptu amateur orthopaedic surgery on the gentlemen concerned.

Subsequent investigation revealed an aged Allegro motor car had appeared outside our cottage.

Gits brothers had followed him down. Not wishing to weigh the car down they had simply left the baby for me. The car was generally a tribute to minimalism, other items notable missing being tax mot and insurance.

Still I was home it being 15 hours since I woke up, I simply knocked on the cottage door and thrust the baby into whichever pair of arms it was that emerged from the considerable fog that seemed to have engulfed the living room.

I was also concerned that I might be over come with some considerable display of emotional gratitude for my effort so did not want to linger.

I need not have worried and soon I was able to go and find a therapeutic corkscrew.

Of course I did not end even there.

Next morning I was outside catching up on chores when who should come out but one of the bunch of intellectuals in the allegro. Having quickly established I do not smoke he asked me about engine oil. Thanking him profusely for his kind offer I said I had plenty.

No I had got that wrong he wanted engine oil. Not a problem I said there were several garages in town who would sell him suitable oil for the engine of his car.

Some little time later I noted the allegro had vanished. Also missing was my chainsaw oil. Now lets talk technical here chainsaw oil is very special stuff. As it get hotter it gets thicker, so if for example you put it in an allegro motor car it would not be too long before you had an engine that was completely dead.

The beach, I said to the MD, time the kids went to the beach.

We were gone some time and when we came home the answer phone was winking. I was sure it was a wrong number too as phrases like car, breakdown and tow were being used.

It's time like this you fall back on your friends and who should call but my mate Hugh. Hugh is a
good listener and very sympathetic all the time. Hugh was particularly concerned when i mentioned the broken down allegro with the lightweight approach to documentation. He became visibly concerned when I speculated that the occupants might not have a licence between them.

Huw seemed genuinely touched and worried for their safety and welfare, he volunteered to forgo a coffee to go to their aid. What a man eh.

Nice wheels too, those big Volvos really can shift. The blue light and stripes makes Hugh's look particularly smart.

Serenity, eh what a girl, her mother keeps her photo on the mantle piece and every time she looks at it she is so proud the tears well up.

At least I think it's pride....


R