The lonliness of the long distance kitchen builder

I suppose that really I should have seen it coming.

I observed at the time that I really did have an easy escape over the purchase of four green goddess pumps. I should have got suspiscious when filling the house with spares and hoses did not produce some sort of rebelion but no on I sailed in blissfull ignorance.

Of couese it started a bit ago with putting the house on the market, terrible ammounts of tidying were undertaken at that time, vast quantities of stuff went down the skip despite this and serial viewings not a single person has come and put their cash on the table.

I should have got worried when I caught her downloading something off the internet, no not lewd photos of scantilly clad rugby players, something far worse, the IKEA kitchen planner.

Alarm bells should positavely have deafened when she commanded I get her a large tower of the sort you climb on to do work. The plan was to give the house a makeover to improove it salability.

Part one of the plan was not so bad. The tower was duly erected in our living room and vast quantities of paint applied to the walls. I say not so bad as management is notoriously reluctant to allow me to pick up a paint brush. This illusion of incompetance is not one to be given up lightly so I safely got out of that one.

Unfortunately she knows I can assemble flat packs and with the holidays looming upon us she announced we were having a day out in IKEA. This was her que to spend long hours at her laptop bashing away at something strange from her IKEA planner.

Came the day and I should have sensed doom. 4 trolleys of goods only just fitted into the IVECO. If loading and unloading that lot was not enough the obvious next move was to let construction commence. My living has been reduced to the status of building site with tools and boxes of screws all round the room, this would not be so bad if she didn't expect me to be the one using them.

This was compounded by the men at Comet who may well live electricals but they have limited concept of keeping to delivery dates. Now this could have had massive repercussions in the recrimination department excepting it had been her grand plan to save 400 pounds that resulted in our placing an order there.

Epic driving round managed to trace the necesary inbuilt fridge to allow construction to progress and today I sit here surrounded by mostly complete units confident in a few weeks basking in glory, or peace at least.